A Strange Situation

I've spent a lot of time thinking about the strange situation I am in.

Some months ago I flew thousands of miles and moved from Singapore to New York City. Little needs to be said about both cities. On the surface, there are very tangible differences between the two: political structure, healthcare system, train timings, culture, race, religion, civic engagement..

(..gun control..)

Yet, NYC feels oddly familiar in a very instinctive, primordial sense. It is like I understand its core, despite not having lived here before.

I've narrowed it down to this: perhaps large cosmopolitan cities breed a certain zeitgeist, and the key beliefs, ideas, and pace of life within these large cities tend to converge. (I wouldn't go so far to say they become the same). As such, flying across the world from one large city to another, even though the sights and sounds appear worlds apart, can feel so familiar. Here's how I make sense of it.

First, there is a familiar sense of being embedded in a zero-sum paradigm, that we have to compete with others to get what we want. On a day-to-day, it's the constant competition for limited resources - housing, parking spaces, supermarket trolleys, seats on the train, taxis, employment opportunities - some days it feels like a never-ending loop of being in a situation where individuals are pitted against each other and the inescapable notion that if one person wins, another has to lose.

And then there's the income disparity, the very evident homelessness but even more so the conspicuous affluence in some neighborhoods, the large brands on 5th avenue and the hordes that go after them. It's a constant chase for status, recognition, and resources. To afford that lifestyle then mandates a fast-paced, white-collar job, which comes at the expense of personal time and sometimes health.

Time then becomes this quantified resource and becomes another commodity for competition - the pressure of hopping from work obligations, social engagements, and personal pursuits, where choosing more time for oneself then comes at the expense of other activities or relationships. It's relentless, but also an environment I am familiar with (and was hoping to minimise my exposure of).

The second familiar sense is being embedded in a culture of unnecessities. In the past few decades consumerism has been the prevailing definition of a good life. This is most evident in large cities. Definitely much so in Singapore - malls everywhere! Consumerism fuels a constant search for a "better" life - that promotion, phone upgrade, new apartment, branded clothes, and the like.

The ability to buy things in order to feel satisfied traps us into thinking we can purchase identity, personality, and happiness. It creates a worldview whereby our identity and value is built upon the passive act of consumption, which in turn generates massive disposable waste. And the cycle perpetuates itself, once our identity is intrinsically linked to the act of consumption. Here, the presence of big businesses cultivating and nurturing unnecessary spending is unavoidable, building a culture of "vague dissatisfaction" by selling an idea of a good life built on consumerism, so that society will continue to want things they don't have. It works for them: people buy more things because it always seems like something is missing.

On a personal level it is easy to resist the imperatives of consumerism, and I think I have done fairly well (apart from travel - that's where my carbon footprint is high). But in a city the excessiveness hits you in your face, and then I truly wonder how much difference an individual can make.

I guess I don't want to be that person that frowns upon the excessiveness of society and how other people live their lives. But it's really difficult to observe these actions knowing that it has created the climate emergency we are in. There's also no escaping from the influence of advertising, and I find myself holding back on conversations about rebooting our relationship with materialism, because it's not the easiest thing to bring up with city folk. Everyone's trying to do their best, that I know. But at what expense, whose expense?

Third, I guess as a combination of the above two points, there is a familiar sense of learned helplessness. A city can feel so big, so complex, and so overwhelming, where everything is out of reach. So it's easy to throw up my hands up and think: there's nothing I can do to get myself out of this zero-sum, hyper-consumerist, waste-generating situation, while still being in the city. Not only that, it's hard to find others who share my sentiments. So the only way is out.

But that would just be escaping the situation rather than dealing with it. Many years ago I may have thrown in the towel. But I'm old(er) now and I know my actions are suffused with meaning and that change begins with me. And the first change is to change my mindset of learned helplessness. Especially with the climate situation, it would be irresponsible to think there is nothing I can do. I have to adopt a different mindset and teach myself a different response.

So what do I do? On a day-to-day basis, I excuse myself from the zero-sum paradigm (where I can). Enmeshed within my day-to-day decision making is always: will this come at anyone's expense? If so, I don't do it. I also don't see others as competition (and quite frankly, never have - not even in my early days of playing competitive sports), and when I come across someone who I think is very much knee-deep in this paradigm, I go out of my way to be kind or extend support. To be clear: I don't shy away from competition completely - some levels of healthy competition can help advance ideas and thoughts - but it is not my dominant way of thinking.

I know it is a privilege to be able to excuse myself from the zero-sum paradigm. Fundamentally, it is because I have enough. In some ways, 'enough' is also a conscious choice. I am conscious of my carbon footprint, in what I eat, buy, and consume (information, data, social media). I don't follow trends. I am mostly vegetarian, and occasionally pescetarian and vegan. I buy pre-loved where I can. I choose to take the train instead of fly (where possible), airbnbs over hotels, cycling or walking over driving. My carbon footprint is still high, because I fly frequently. I am working on that.

Anyway, I could yak on, but it's starting to sound like I'm giving myself a pat on the back. That is not my intent. Instead, I wanted to demonstrate that we all have agency to make a change, even when the situation may seem bleak.

These days when people ask me how's NYC, I no longer say "I can't wait to get out", but I say "I am working on my relationship with the city, though it is growing on me." In the meanwhile I count myself lucky to have a close group of friends who are based here, who have been nothing but generous with their time, and who continue to challenge my perspectives and occasionally defeatist ways of thinking.

And while the city feels oddly familiar I hope in time I will be proven wrong. In time to come I hope it will show me that there are pockets and opportunities for cultural enrichment and collaboration, instead of competition. I hope that this will be a place that fosters respect and care for the community.

***

In case you were wondering, the title of this post is inspired by the psychological experiment, 'The Strange Situation', developed by Mary Ainsworth in the 1970s. The experiment was conceptualised to observe and assess the attachment style and behavior of young children towards their primary caregivers.

In the Strange Situation, a child between the ages of 12 and 18 months is placed in a room with their caregiver. The room is set up to be a new and unfamiliar environment for the child. The procedure involves a series of separations and reunions between the child and the caregiver, while a researcher observes and records the child's reactions.

Based on the child's reactions, attachment theorists have identified different attachment styles, including secure attachment, insecure-avoidant attachment, insecure-resistant (or anxious-ambivalent), and disorganised attachment.

I was inspired by this experiment, as I was trying to classify my attachment style to New York, if it were an adult, and me, as a 12-18 month old in a new environment. ; )